Last night I set my alarm for 5am, laid down to go to sleep and bawled my eyes out. I was annoyed, sad, and angry. On a Sunday morning I was going to have to wake up at 5am…why me!? Why do I have to get up and run? Why does everyone else get to sleep in and not wake up to an alarm!? Ughhh I was so ANGRY!
Laying in the dark starring at the walls, I cried and cried. When I couldn’t cry anymore, I asked myself why? Why was I having a pity party for myself? I made the choice to set my alarm for 5am. I looked at the corner of my room where I could see a light shining through my window…and I felt it. I felt him standing in my room. Anthony was there in my room smiling from ear to ear. Immediately I started crying and laughing at the same time. March 16th is Anthony’s heavenly birthday. He was there to remind me that no matter how hard I try to avoid thinking about him, I have to accept that he’s gone. He wanted to remind me that it’s okay to be sad but I have to let myself move forward. Hiding from my pain wasn’t going to change the fact that he’s sitting with God now.
After Anthony faded away, I laid in bed smiling for what seemed like hours. He always knows when I need a reality check. Gods timing is always perfect! He knows when I need him the most and always shows up. I know this is outside of my normal posting schedule but when something so special is on my heart the writer in me has to share it.
Today was my big run day. I went to bed last night telling myself I’d be putting in 8 miles. No matter how it had to get done, it was going to happen. This morning I over slept-not surprising considering my emotional encounter last night. I didn’t have time for my 20 minutes of personal development now. I sped through the house getting ready and took my pre-workout in the car with me. When I pulled into the parking lot there was a whole 5 cars at PF-I was pumped! I got settled in and made my way to go stretch. While stretching I knew it was going to be an emotional run. My mental game was focused but my heart felt so heavy.
I made my way over to the treadmill and set the time for 60miutes, which is the max amount of time you can set it for. Started my run off with a 4 minute walk, as I always do. I always choose a treadmill facing the parking lot because the front wall of the gym is all open windows. I like to day dream while looking out at the sky to feel like I’m running outside. This morning was different though. As I sped up and started my run-I was overflowed with emotions. At that moment as a Hoobastank song was playing and I was starring into the clouds-I felt him looking down on me. I immediately burts into tears. Not sad tears but I was full of happiness. Anthony was smiling down on me and encouraging me. Encouraging me that the emotions I was feeling was what I’ve been holding onto for far too long. That I can for the first time know that he is happy and he is okay. That every single day since April 12, 2010 he has been with me. That every single day until I’m sitting next to him, he will be with me.
God is so good. I’ve been praying and praying for him to open the doors in my life that need to be open and close the ones that need to be closed. I had no idea what those doors were. Today a door was closed. A door that I left open for far too long. It’s been almost 9 years of burying my emotions deep down. Today I feel relieved, finally. And yes this all happened on a treadmill at my local Planet fitness. My second part of my run that was only supposed to be 30 minutes has now turned into 54 minutes. Also yes to the fact that I’m literally walking on the treadmill typing this. When I feel something I’ve gotta get it out.
Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to continue to write. Thank you to everyone who takes the time out of their day to visit my website. There is a special place in my heart for each and every one of you!
Okay now I have to take a super fast shower to go meet up with my cousin to celebrate this beautiful day the best way I know-Margaritias and Mexican food! Thanks to my writing I just wrapped up 8 miles-woooot!
One thought on “When I finally found closure”
Love this post and so proud of you. Love you always
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