My birthday month is about to come up which has led me to really reflect on the past year. Staring out the window thinking about this year- my flashbacks bring me to Matthew. I don’t typically openly talk about our relationship but what I want to write on today is all about him. How Matthew’s love for me has helped me realize I am worth loving….and how in turn I’ve learned to love myself.
Let’s start with the back story of how Matthew and I met! I don’t think a lot of people know this but we met on Tinder…and totally not ashamed to say that(: I can’t recall how long I was on Tinder before we matched but I know it wasn’t very long. We matched on 12/31/17 and went on our first date on 01/01/2018. Talk about a great start to the New Year! And no we weren’t drunk when we first started talking. It was one of those conversations where I didn’t want to put down my phone and was cheesin from ear to ear all night. Our first date was adorbs. We met up at a local brew-house that was super cozy! We sat at a wooden bench-table close to a fireplace. Matthew opened up to me in such a genuine way that I could tell he wasn’t on this date to just meet another girl-he was truly invested in getting to know me. We got lost in conversation so much that we closed down the restaurant. When we noticed that we were the last people in there and who knows how long they had been cleaning up….we weren’t ready to end our date. So we decided to head next door to Starbucks and get to know each other more. As we were sippin our hot chocolate-I couldn’t stop thinking about how many of the traits of my “perfect man” that he met. You all know you have that list so don’t you even judge girl! I always give Matthew crap about our goodbye hug-because he side hugged me like you do to that cousin you never see but feel obligated to hug goodbye. Not that it was -15 outside or anything and he didn’t want to freeze…hehe love you babe! The most “awkward/funny” part from our date was that we left the restaurant and he literally followed me almost all the way home….we later found out that we only lived 5 minutes from each other.
The first 3 months of our relationship was the biggest test as a couple that we’ve ever gone through. Like holy cow….I look back and know that we needed that roller-coaster to build our strong foundation but at the time I wasn’t sure how long we were going to last. We are just shy of 1.5 years together…which I know isn’t a long time but I fully believe it’s not about the amount of days it’s about the journey. During that rough patch the following happened- we got a little too drunk and vulnerable, Matthews’ car got stolen & totaled, I was in a stressful living situation, and we both had lots of personal issues to overcome.
Times were tough guys. But I find that in the crazy is where Matthew and I found beauty. We came together as a team and fought every single day for a relationship that we both knew was what we wanted. There were ugly and long conversations about vulnerabilities and goals that were accompanied by lots of tears. Days where we wanted to pull out our hair turned into days filled with laughter, encouragement, and love.
So where am I going with this? Matthew came into my life at the perfect time I was living life at high speed with no intention of slowing down. Life was literally going on around me. I didn’t “need” someone in my life to make me feel whole. I needed a change. I needed to find love within myself and the strength to realize that it was time to start living a life for me rather than others. Matthew came into my life to love me and grow together as partners. I’m sure he had no idea that by swiping right-God was sending him into my life to do so much more than that. God placed the most self-less, goofy, beautiful man in my path and I’m never letting go. Even on days when I’m a hot mess, say hurtful things, take of my anxiety and frustrations out on him-when loving me can be super hard- Matthew keeps me balanced and shows tenderness.
I may be an emotional person but opening up my heart to someone and sharing my emotions towards them is to hard. My past has everything to do with that. I was very open with Matthew coming into this relationship about my personal insecurities. At first those insecurities were a lot for him-which I totally get because I’ve been through crazy stuff. But little by little he’s become more understanding and patient. Which in return has grown trust in our relationship. To be able to trust someone with your heart doesn’t just happen…it takes time. It was like pulling teeth for me to tell Matthew how I really felt towards for him. As a writer you’d think I’d easily find the words…but I couldn’t let them out. I don’t remember the exact date but I’ll never forget the day I heard In Case You Didn’t Know by Brett Young come on from my Playlist and all the words, all the feelings I wanted to express to Matthew were those lyrics. I wrote my heart out that day in my journal because it all finally set in.
This post is becoming a lot longer than I intended it to be…but it’s all good! I could talk for hours about our story. Not even sure if I hit the main point of this post. I’ve never struggled with showing compassion or love to others-that comes natural because I’m a total servant to others and that’s what bring me joy. But I’ve never truly felt as though I was worthy of being loved-because I have always ended up being hurt. Putting everyone first is just safer. Matthew has taught me that he’s here for the long haul. The good, ugly and bad. Not only is he here but he’s going to LOVE me through it. Because I’ve learned that I am lovable through his love-it has allowed me to look into the mirror and grow to love the person looking back at me.
Loving you is so fun Matthew. It’s messy, exciting, comforting, balanced, loud, and most importantly it’s ALWAYS. Always a new adventure. Always exactly what I wanted & needed. Always perfectly imperfect.