Fear of failure

Happy Thursday! I hope everyone is having a wonderful week. I wanted to chat today about one of my personal flaws that has actually turned into a strength. I’ve always felt like a disappointment. In every aspect of life I would find myself working so hard to please others the way they wanted things so I wouldn’t let them down. It seemed that over the years I was much better at doing things the “wrong” way than being successful.

I feel like a lot of my stories tie back to my academic career. A majority of my life has been spent in school so I guess that would make sense as to why I define so much of my life by my experiences in school. In order to play sports our school required you to have a “C” in every class. Our athletic director would do weekly check-ins with your teachers and the moment a grade dropped below the standard the whole school knew. Mind you it didn’t take much considering my graduating class was like 30. I wasn’t the greatest in school but I was never really concerned about being ineligible or more so I just wanted to avoid thinking I could ever be ‘that person”. Getting bad grades in a small school meant you were pretty much looked down on. Student athletes were supposed to have it all together and “student” always comes before athlete.

Never will I ever forget my 7th grade Math class. This was the year of learning Algebra and goodness was it freakin awful! Most nights I would cry over my homework and cursed at whoever thought using letters as number was a good idea…like whhhyyyy!? Just thinking about it makes me so angry. It was track season and for some reason I decided I wanted to try a new sport. I was the slowest person on my basketball and volleyball team but everyone else did track so I thought why not? I never did track again after that year in case you were wondering. At that time we were in an extra hard chapter in Math that no matter what I did, I had no idea what the heck I was supposed to be doing. Every week we would have a quiz to go over that chapters material. If you know much about Math you know that if you don’t understand the basic concept then once the concept starts adding more steps you’re screwed. Well that totally happened to me hard core. Eventually I just gave up trying to re-learn the same concepts because it wasn’t sticking. Which landed me hearing mid-week I was on the verge of being ineligible. Our weekly quiz was coming up and in order to stay eligible  for sports I had to pass it. Que deer in headlights look and all the nervous sweats. Thankfully I have the most dedicated mom who would do anything in the world to help me be successful. I remember pouring my heart out in frustrations and finally allowing her to help me. I had hid how much I was struggling from her because I wanted to be strong and not need help. The last thing I ever wanted was to be a disappointment. I always was afraid of failing.

After putting my fear of failing behind me and accepting help, I was able to pass my quiz. That girl who had the the mindset that if she didn’t try she would avoid being a disappointment-is still here. Far too often I avoid commitment because I’m afraid of failing. I would start something and shortly after give up because I knew I couldn’t cross the finish line.

This week I made a commitment. My company offers a 3 day- Refresh program. I’ve always heard of these cleanses where people only drink liquids for days and lose tons of weight or they take these pills and magically lose 10inches. So when I heard about our Refresh program I was super intrigued. After looking into it and learning that not only do you not starve yourself but you get to eat tasty food-I was in! I was super pumped to see what this cleanse was all about-so I hit checkout. While waiting for my order to show I started to get nervous. Jerica you are the PICKIEST eater in the world and you just committed to a program full of veggies and fruits…what did I get myself into. I had already shared on social media that I was doing the Refresh so there was no turning back now.

When my kit showed up I immediately dug in deep learning the ins and outs of the program! I’m totally the person who needs all the info for reassurance. I was super excited to find out that another coach was holding a team Refresh group that I could jump into to learn ALL the things! I was able to round up a couple of girls from my team to join me so we could all hold each other accountable and be successful as a team! Day 1 came rolling around before I knew it!

I started the program on Monday so that I could be away from all temptation at home-easier access to food. When I was at work I’d only be able to eat the food that I brought. Sunday night I prepped my meals and was all set to have a successful Day 1. That was until I got to work and realized I forgot to things….great start, right? Thankfully I posted in our accountability group and everyone was super reassuring! I totally was ready to give up on day 1 right then and there but glad I reached out to them to keep me going. Day 1 was tough… I thought about food all day and had a headache for a majority of the morning. When I got home in the afternoon I gained some energy and was able to crush a workout! Which felt sooo good!

On Tuesday I woke up for the first time in forever NOT BLOATED! I had tons of energy in the morning too-like holy cow this Refresh is actually working and I’m doing this! My energy carried through the day and no headaches, thank goodness. I was feeling extra motivated after work! Ran a few errands and got home to have a killer workout! I got super wrapped up in running around doing things that I looked at the clock and it was past 7pm…shoot no wonder I have the shakes. Quickly I finished prepping my veggies for tomorrow and downed a salad. At this point I was super anxious and irritated from Gunner barking all evening. When my boyfriend got home from a long day at work I was not nice. I was snippy towards the dog because he just had to be annoying when I was having a long day…and just putting off my mood onto both of  them. So I decided to go to my room and take some time to myself to reflect and compose myself. Sometimes you’ve just gotta know when to walk away. Anxiety can really get the best of me and cause so many other issues. I had got myself so worked up and before I knew it I felt a migraine coming. Thankfully I had my new medicine and as long as I take it the moment I feel a migraine coming it typically will get rid of it in 30 minutes. I was nauseous, anxious, and mentally and physically exhausted. I snuggled up with my pup in the dark and waited for the medicine to do its job. After a bit my migraine was gone and I was headed to bed for some much needed sleep!

Wednesday meant my LAST day of the Refresh! I slept in and it was well needed. Once again I woke up to no bloating and lots of energy…I totally could get used to this feeling! I started my morning off by chugging some water and doing my 20 minutes of personal development. After I wrapped up my devotional a “light bulb” turned on. The passage talked about how making healthy small decisions are important. This message couldn’t have been more fitting right now! I started my health & fitness journey all because I made small decisions. I decided to give up pop and fast food. I decided to start going to the gym again to get back in shape. I decided to sign-up for a half marathon because I had never finished anything for me. I decided to become a coach because I wanted more in life. As soon as I started making small decisions, I was paving the way to my big dreams. Once I was able to tell myself that I can be successful and make healthy choices- I pushed fear away. I slowly have been able to quiet the thoughts telling me that I should just give up because I was going to fail. Now I was wrapping up my last day of the 3 Day-Refresh that I was so scared to do. My last day of the Refresh for sure had obstacles. I went through phases of obsessing about food, not wanting to eat the food I brought to work, and was just ready to be done. But as I’m typing this before heading to bed and  wrapping up day 3-I’m blessed. I’m so freakin proud of myself for making that small choice to try something new that silenced my fear of failure. By dedicating to 3 days of following a plan I was able to have so much success. I taught my body that I don’t “have” to have everything. That I don’t need huge portions of food to have a fueled body. That I am capable of mentally overcoming my food obsessions. And most importantly that I am not a failure and I can be successful when I put forth the effort!

I know this was longer than my typical posts but my heart had a lot to share this week! That’s one thing you’ll see overtime on my blog is that it truly reflects what I’m going through in life. I will never write a post that doesn’t accurately reflect my lifestyle. My purpose for this blog is to share my stories so that you can relate to it. So some weeks the posts may be short and sweet and others I may just write a book…ya never know! Thank you for continuing to read and giving me a reason to keep writing. You are my people and I love you guys!

Truly yours,

Jer❤